build your ask muscle

hello there,

the more i read, the more i realize the best books don’t just entertain. they expose hidden insecurities & inner truths.

in 2022, the artist’s way by julia cameron helped me work through my creative insecurities.

in 2023, million dollar weekend by noah kagan helped me work through my business insecurities, specifically with sales. (coincidentally this book is described as the artist’s way for entrepreneurs).

the second chapter of the book hit me hard when it made me realize:

1. how afraid i was to just ask

2. how embracing rejection is a colossal work & life hack

so today we’re talking all things asking.

no ask? no get

so many of us spend our time passively longing, wishing, hinting, & hoping for what we want. that dream job. that dream partner. that dream car.

we spend more time daydreaming than doing.

because we don’t know what to do.

we lack clarity.

& we’re terrified to ask for it.

but clarity is critical for change in both business & in life.

the act of asking is what sets the stage for receiving what you desire.

asking is what gets the sale. asking is what gets the new job. asking is what gets the 1st date. asking is what gets the right milk with your coffee. asking is what connects strangers. asking is what gets you help.

asking is what gets you what you want.

the most feared word

so why don’t we ask?

because we’re scaredy cats.

we’re panicked by the potential of a two letter, one syllable word — no.

we’re afraid of rejection. we’re scared to speak up. we terrified to rock the boat. we forget all the past yeses & we’re traumatized from the gut punches of prior noes (thanks negativity bias).

and if we really dig deeeeeeep, we’ll find we don’t believe we truly deserve what we’re wanting or asking for.

so we keep on silently worrying & waiting,

hurting only ourselves.

rejection therapy

this fear is shared by many as proven by jia jiang’s viral ted talk from december 2016 with over 10M view.

jia shares his learnings from deliberately seeking rejection for 100 days — an example of the law of 100 at it’s finest.

through rejection therapy he desensitizes his fear of rejection.

he asks for anything & everything: to get a burger refill, to trim his hair at petsmart, to sleep at mattress firm, to interview obama, to teach a college class, & so much more. see all 100 asks here & in his book “rejection proof.”

while his asks are playful, his findings are profound:

• rejection is an opinion of them, not you

• not asking is rejecting yourself & makes you miss opportunities

• how you ask changes the outcome & the best followup to no is why?

• most successful people define themselves by their reaction to rejection, not the rejection itself.

written in a single sentence:

how to build your ask muscle

the only way to get rejection is to ask for it.

and building your ask muscle starts from the inside out.

so let’s start by reframe our thoughts around asking & rejection.

let’s get asky

once we accept ourselves, the asking get’s easier as the world starts accepting you more too.

3 tactical asking assurances:

• not asking is the only guaranteed no

• every no can become a yes. most no’s are not now’s.

• you won’t remember this rejection on your death bed.

and here are ways to put this into practice this week:

• ask for help

• ask for a date

• ask for a dollar

• ask for a refund

• ask for feedback

• ask for a meeting

• ask for a vacation

• ask for a discount

• ask for a promotion

• ask for a relationship

• ask for an introduction

• bonus: followup on open asks

asking isn’t so scary when you realize it’s helping you get where you want

& helping you be authentic to your self.

my ask for you

will you please show your support for this newsletter by subscribing to bde?

bde is written by tyler denk, the ceo/founder of beehiiv, my email bff & the platform behind this newsletter.

3 reasons i think you’ll enjoy reading big desk energy:

1. fantastic vibes with a windows 98 aesthetic

2. insights into how tyler runs one of the buzziest startups

3. inspiration for asking what you want & dealing with rejection

always be asking!

p.s. can i ask you one more tiny favor? will you please write a short testimonial for merry makery? it costs $0.00 & will take less than 60 seconds. plus i’ll mail you a handwritten thank you note =)

p.p.s. i recorded my first ever podcast interview last week & i think it’s dropping this week so be on the lookout on social media. but this is also why i really need your review. pretty pretty please share your thoughts above!