learn 5 languages in 5 minutes

Read time: 5 minutes

morning merry maker,

over the past five weeks, i’ve dug into the very meaningful metrics of friendship. including the current stats of american friendships, the time investment for a friendship, the number of friends we can maintain, where we find friends, & what goes into a first impression.

in studying these trends, i realized how much of friendship comes down to communication & understanding.

so this week i’m starting a new series to help you better understand yourself & your loved ones with a values based framework.

today’s letter is a high level introduction with extra links to learn more.

then for the next 5 weeks we will dive more deeply into each of the types.

the way we view interpersonal relationships was revolutionized in 1992 when marriage counselor gary champan introduced the world to love languages.

the idea is that everyone has a unique way they prefer to give & receive love, which he calls love languages.

gary came up with these 5 languages based on years of couples counseling.

he found that understanding the different languages, especially for your partner, can unlock better communication, deeper connection, & overall improved relationships.

since the book was published 30 years ago, the % of americans that are familiar with the love languages is up to 30%.

certain demographic groups are even more aware.

almost 50% of women under 45 are familiar with the love languages.

and as a refresher, the 5 love languages are:

if you don’t know or forgot your love language, you can retake the free quiz on the official website.

the 5 love languages book claims that your primary love language to receive is likely the one you did not receive as a child.

and your primary love language to give is likely the one you did receive as a child.

it gets a bit more nuanced as you start to dive into your giving & receiving language, so for now we’ll focus on receiving.

receiving is easier to understand, because we all have firsthand experience.

once you know your love language, the real wisdom & unlocks come from understanding the love languages of the people around you.

worth quickly mentioning that you likely want all five languages, so the real understanding is on a relative basis to see which one is the most desired & impactful.

most commonly people work to understand their partner’s language, but we should all strive to understand our friends love languages too.

so to begin our understanding, let’s understand the current distribution of the languages based on a 2022 study from yougov of 1,000 americans,

the study asked participants to rank their love languages from 1-5.

quality time is by far the most popular at 38% (4 in 10 americans), 14 percentage points above the next popular which is physical touch at 24%.

gifts is by far the least popular at 7%.

the trends is more interesting when you split by gender:

females are the biggest believers in quality time at 43%, followed by words of affirmation at 21%.

males are split in desiring quality time (33%) or physical touch (33%).

so 2 out of 3 males want time & touch.

and since we tend to have a top two that are the most dominant, you have high odds of getting one right if you guess according to these trends.

keep in mind that love languages do change over time.

this is not a fixed trait.

so just because someone told you a decade ago that they like words of affirmation. this might have changed (& yours might have changed too).

our friends are our family we choose so we should work to love them in the language they best understand.

these are called love languages because they are a language.

it takes work to learn to speak a new language.

and each person has their own unique accent/flavor/mixture of their ideal love language cocktail.

once you’ve identified a friend’s love language, you can use these messages to speak to them in their love language:

• words of affirmation

  • just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate you. your positivity is infectious, & you make the world a better place. thanks for being you.

• quality time

  • it's been too long since we caught up. how about schedule time for a good chat over coffee (or a video call)? i'm dying to hear what's been happening in your world.

• receiving gifts

  • i saw this book (or insert any other item) today and it made me think of you. i'd love to get it for you. can i send it to you?

• acts of service

  • i heard you've been busy & i have free time this weekend. can I help you with anything? maybe groceries or a dog walk?

• physical touch

  • i know words aren't quite the same as a hug, but please consider this message as a big, warm virtual hug from me. can't wait to squeeze you soon!

new section to explore & learn more about the week’s topic. this week is all nifty things i found on the official 5 love language website:

• quiz to determine your top love languages

• original love languages book by gary chapman

• specialty love languages book for children, teenagers, singles, men, & military couples

• love nudge app claims to be the personal assistant for your relationship, features based on your quiz results

• gift guide by love language everything from an oil change (acts of service) to mailing a hug (physical touch) to an adventure challenge (quality time) to a sock club (gifts) to a secret pocket pillow (words of affirmation)

one of the many reasons i believe so much in handwritten letters is that they communicate all the love languages:

• words of affirmation - through your heartfelt words, appreciation, & compliments

• quality time - through the time taken to write thoughtfully & deliver

• receiving gifts -through the nature of being visual & extremely personable (a gift that can’t be bought)

• acts of service - through the gesture of going out of your way to brighten someone’s day

• physical touch - through the paper which is way more tactile than a text message or maybe your touching words too ;)

handwritten letters are the swiss army knife of showing love. so grab that pen, some merry makery stationery, & get to sending love notes!

i recently added new pattern only cards (i.e., no text, just pretty prints)

added a few new sets too

see ya next week when we give into quality time,